Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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