when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
