the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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