Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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