I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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