But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
