btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
