she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
