Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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