She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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