Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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