I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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