yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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