im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
