just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
