I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
