i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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