I think I won the penis lottery.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
