My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
