My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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