It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
