I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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