time to smoke my breakfast
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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