FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
