Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
