Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
