i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
