This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
