Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
