I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
