I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
