If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
