Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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