I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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