Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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