You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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