Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
