Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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