I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
