Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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