I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
