Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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