saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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