At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
