you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
