best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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