Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
