tonight lets celebrate not being married
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
