This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
babies were throwing up all over the place
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
