My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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