If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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