he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
