Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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