Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
